Hyakki Ryouran
by hikachu
Summary: She was bored. He was desperate. Together they'll solve the most bizzarre cases you've ever heard of. Unless they kill each other first. AU; eventual BeaBato; contains clichés, fanservice and pop culture references!
1. BEGINNING! FROM NOW ON YOU WORK FOR ME!

**BEGINNING! FROM NOW ON YOU WORK FOR ME!**

When Battler left school, the sky was already dark. It was deep blue, like velvet, and if one were to glance at the horizon, they would still be able to see smears of lighter colors – violet, a brighter shade of blue and even some green.

It wasn't particularly late, and he had always been the energetic type, but Battler felt _drained_. As in, almost dead.

And to think that, at his age, he was supposed to use his free time to go out with his friends, have fun, find himself a girlfriend… to do, in short, all those things that every normal eighteen year old would do after school.

Instead, all he wanted right now was dinner and a bed. That would have been enough to make him happy – just like an old man, he thought grimly and sighed. Not that he would find warm food or a comfortable place to rest once he got 'home', anyway: Amakusa Juuza had offered him a place to stay under the condition that he helped with chores. It hadn't been a pleasant surprise when Battler had realized that 'helping' basically meant 'taking care of the house on his own'.

Battler had to cook for them both, but there were only so many dishes that he could make and he was getting tired of canned food. He was forced to take care of the laundry (going to school naked had never been one of his ambitions in life) and to try and keep the 1K apartment from becoming a battleground. It's perhaps useless to add that his efforts were mostly in vain (several white boxers and even one shirt had _mysteriously_ turned pink in the washing machine) and that, in spite of all his efforts, the apartment was still a mess.

Amakusa was rarely home, skipped school often and never stayed when he had cleaning duty. Battler had even been beaten by a tanned girl with too much make up on her face who had come to their apartment looking for him: he told her he didn't know where Amakusa had disappeared to and she believed that he was lying.

Amakusa had found Battler on the floor with a red cheek and a pain so intense between his legs that he thought he would die.

Not only the bastard hadn't apologized, he'd even had the nerve to laugh! Even now, just remembering that stupid grin was enough to make Battler rage.

Ah, if only he had saved the new year money he had received from his relatives …! It would have been enough to rent a small place and give him enough time to find a part-time job…!

(Said money, by the way, had disappeared in less than a week, while the pile of video of videogames in his room had grown noticeably taller and Battler's – now ex – girlfriend had obtained the designer bag she had not-so-subtly demanded. He'd been thanked with a mere kiss on the cheek and dumped after two days. By e-mail.)

With a sigh, he walked to the softly glowing row of vending machines. He needed a drink to soothe his parched throat. Yeah, he thought as his eyes scanned the colorful display of aluminum cans, some coffee would be nice. It would help drive away the drowsiness too. Smiling slightly, he reached into is pocket for the money—

—only to find out that the bunch of coins in his palm was barely enough for a bottle of water.

Too much. This was too much. He had never needed to worry about money like this—he wasn't used to it. Sure, it was true that having lived with his maternal grandparents for several years, Battler was more used to the lifestyle of a normal person than that of his filthy rich family, but he had never been forced to skip lunch or get water instead of coffee because he didn't have enough money…!

It was so pathetic. _He_ was pathetic. He could practically hear Rudolf taunting him, too: _Can't even survive on your own, brat? And you still call yourself a man? Why don't you just come ba—_

"AHHH! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP, YOU OLD BASTAAARD!"

Like hell he would return home! It was only his father's fault if he had decided to go away in the first place, after all. He wasn't going back; he would find a job, make money, get accepted into his first choice college and then that old man would—

"Hey, oniichan…" a timid voice called out to him. Battler looked down to find a child staring at him. "Are you alright?"

But before he could reply, the kid had been already dragged away by his mother.

Battler blinked. Then glanced around. And noticed the people staring at him or quickly walking by.

His foot was on his schoolbag and his throat felt worse than before.

… he had been so angry at his old man and life in general, that he had thrown his own bag to the ground and had stomped on it. While shouting like a savage. All of this, in the middle of a busy street.

Good job Battler.

After a couple of awkward bows and apologetic smiles, blushing furiously, Battler grabbed his water and walked – almost ran – away.

His escape ended when he reached Kabuki-cho and collapsed on a stone bench. With one sip, he gobbled down almost half of the water contained in the bottle.

Most shop names and adds were already shining, plastered to the walls, so many and so close to each other, like neon covered curtains covering whole buildings. Some hosts and hostesses stood together in small crowds, some of them smoking, others chatting, all waiting for someone who would stop by and let themselves be dragged inside their clubs. And then there were cute girls and attractive women running up to male passers-by to offer a _massage_.

…Now that he thought about it, a massage would have been nice. A long, relaxing full-body massage given by a cute girl—no, a beautiful woman with blonde hair, blue eyes and huge breasts: he must have been _really_ hungry and _really_ exhausted, because he could actually see her, his ideal woman, walking in his direction.

No more than a couple seconds, and the hallucination was right in front of him now, hands on her hips and her face definitely too close to his.

"Hey~ What are you staring at?"

Her tone was just as mischievous as her grin, and in spite of her western movie star features, she didn't have an accent. There was something playful and almost lewd about her attitude that made Battler forget how to speak for a moment and his cheeks redden slightly.

Sure, staring was rude, but who could blame him? It wasn't everyday that you saw someone with such a nice body up close. Besides, he thought, it didn't look as though as she minded. Battler smirked. Maybe meeting her was fate, maybe god was finally going to repay him for everything he had to go through lately…

Okay Battler. Time to use your best pick-up lines.

"Ihihi~ Sorry miss, I was just—"

"I'm thirsty."

… Or maybe not.

"… What?"

"Give me that water~" she pointed at the small plastic bottle that Battler was still clutching and grabbed it before he could even process what was happening.

For the second time, he could only stare as the beautiful (and rude) stranger drank his water. From his bottle. The same bottle that had touched his lips. And now was touching hers. They were… sharing a-an—

"An indirect kiss."

"… Huh?"

"Kukuku… You just thought 'we're sharing an indirect kiss', didn't you?"

Battler blushed. What. Was this girl making fun of him or was it that obvious—?

"Kyahahah! You did, you did! Pe~rvert~!"

"Why you—!" It wasn't like Battler to get angry at a woman, but this girl was doing her best to piss him off.

"Oh, please excuse me now," she said and handed him the bottle, her expression as smug as ever. "I'd love to play with you, but my client is here! Bye bye !"

"Oi, wait a sec—!" but she was already on the other side of the street, standing in front of a nightclub.

She waved her arm briefly and a man wearing an elegant suit approached her almost at once. Battler frowned. Even at this distance, he could tell that the man was definitely older than her, who looked a little over her twenties. Why would a young woman and a salaryman meet at this hour of the day, and in Kabuki-cho of all places? And what was with that outfit of hers, anyway? That skirt was too short and those stockings decorated with lace—Wait.

A pretty girl was meeting her _client_. While wearing such indecent clothes. In a street devoted to _adult entertainment_.

This could only mean one thing.

"Ah, it's useless. It's all useless!" Battler sprang to his feet. "Even if she's rude and unrefined, there's no way I will let that pervert lay a hand on her! As a man, I cannot allow it!"

And then he ran, bunny girls and shop owners throwing insults at him every time he bumped into one of them. Under normal circumstances, he would have apologized, but… there was no time for that right now…!!

"Hey, don't you dare touch her!" he shouted and sent the other sprawling on the ground with a punch. Great, he congratulated himself, grinning. Just like a shounen manga hero. Concentrating on sports and PE instead of breaking his brain with math wasn't such a bad idea, after all.

"You idiot! Just what do you think you're doing?!"

Battler turned around to face the fuming girl, his expression dead serious.

"Look," he said, "if you someone is forcing you to do this, you should go to the police. I'm sure they will help you."

Blue eyes widened. "What…?"

"And even if you need money, there are better ways to earn some!"

"Ahh, wait!"

Impossible. The girl was begging that old pig to stay now…?!

"Wait, I have no idea who this fool is, so…"

But just one glance from Battler was enough to make the man run away. Screaming.

"What did you dooo!" she shouted angrily, grabbing his tie.

"Calm down, alright?" he said, voice flat. "A woman should take care of her body and treat it as something precious, you k—"

He couldn't finish the sentence though, because one moment later, he was laying on the concrete, almost sure – for the second time in his life – that he would lose his manhood.

* * *

Judging from the morning, it seemed unlikely that the following day would be better than the previous one.

Battler woke up one hour later than he was supposed to (because he had spent most of the night in pain and cursing that stupid woman and her lack of good manners), took a cold shower (the boiler was broken again), had to skip breakfast, and almost fell down the stairs of the apartment complex.

However, it was only when he reached the exit of the district that things got definitely… bizarre.

Standing on the side of the street, with all the shops and clubs closed at this time of the day and in broad daylight, was a bunch of half-naked girls holding up cardboard signs. The fact that they were all very cute and very well endowed was enough to make him forget about school and the traumatic experience from the previous day, thus leading Ushiromiya Battler to make a huge mistake again: he walked up to them.

"Ohhh, look Luci-nee!" squealed one of them. "He's really tall, isn't he?"

"Ah!" another one, same blonde hair as the first one, but different hairstyle, clapped her hands. "He looks so delicious I almost want to ea—"

"Shut up you two! We're here to help Beatrice-sama, not to embarrass her! This is not a game! You tell them too, Lucifer-oneesama!"

"T-That's right…!" a girl with straight black hair replied hesitantly. In a moment, though, her attitude changed completely. "Everyone! Carry yourself with dignity! We are working for Beatrice-sama!"

Then, she turned to Battler.

"You!"

"Y… Yeah…?"

"Are you strong?"

Weird.

"Huh, yeah …"

"And are you good at PE?"

"Hah!" Battler grinned proudly. "Nobody's better than me in the whole school!"

"Good! I think this one will do. Let's carry him inside!"

"What?!"

" " " " " "Yes onee-sama!!" " " " " "

Not that being squeezed between seven pretty girls didn't feel nice, but knowing that they had enough strength to drag away someone with such a large frame, well, that was a bit disturbing.

"Hey! Where are you taking me?!"

He didn't receive any other answer than disquieting giggles.

* * *

In less than ten minutes, Battler found himself inside an apartment filled with too many weird – and apparently useless – objects and Victorian furniture (or what Battler thought was Victorian furniture – he was no expert, after all). The place was obviously larger than the 1K apartment he shared with Amakusa, but it was so cluttered that the atmosphere felt almost suffocating, and there was nothing Japanese about it other than that and the genkan.

In less than ten seconds, Battler was shoved into what looked like a (narrow) study. The walls were entirely hidden behind shelves full of books, stacks of yellowed paper and. Manga?!

But the most shocking thing in there was—

"Hoh. If it isn't the idiot from yesterday…"

The ungrateful woman from yesterday was looking at him from behind a mahogany desk.

"Why is she here?!" he asked the girls who had kidnapped him.

"What a stupid question. This is Beatrice-sama's home," Lucifer explained.

"And Beatrice-sama needed a slave!" one of the blondes cheerfully added, clutching his arm to her chest.

Battler paled. A-A slave…?

"Asmooo!" a girl with tears in her eyes cried out and grabbed his free arm. "Don't keep him all to yourself!"

"Silence!"

At Beatrice's command, all the noise ceased. She smiled, looking pleased, but the smile wasn't of the warm, reassuring kind.

"So," she began, "what did you do exactly, this time?"

"We… We heard that Beatrice-sama needed an assistant and we wanted to help—"

"—And I thought that if we wore these costumes, we'd attract more candidates!" Asmodeus chimed in.

Beatrice looked amused. "How kind of you. However, this guy here is extremely stupid."

"Oh, we know. But! he doesn't need to be smart to carry your tools and protect you when you're working!"

"Kukuku~ I suppose you are right. Well, then, what's your name?"

"Tch. Why would I ever want to tell you—!"

Beatrice, though, cared very little (or nothing at all) about what Battler wanted. She stood up, walked over to him, snatched his school bag, and proceeded to rummage through its contents.

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

"I need to know how to call you. Unless," she added, grinning, as she extracted a notebook from the bag, "you want me to give you a new name and become my pet. Kyahahah!"

Battler shuddered. Just what kind of place was this and who was this woman…? He didn't notice the way her eyes widened when she read his name, but the impish grin that appeared on her face soon after that didn't go unnoticed.

"Very well." Beatrice discarded the notebook and glanced up at the seven girls, who were still latching onto Battler to keep him from escaping. "You did a good job today." A deafening choir of exultations and laughter followed the statement. "Tell Ronove to bring tea and cookies to celebrate, and call Teacher too!"

" " " " " " " Yes! Beatrice-sama!!" " " " " " "

"So, Ushiromiya Battler~" the woman began once her underlings left the room, "aren't you lucky? Receiving such a wonderful offer just when you need money and a place to stay so desperately~"

"H-How do you know…?!"

"Kihihihi. That's a secret. But you shouldn't expect anything less from such a great detective as me, you see?"

Battler froze.

"… De… Detective…? With that face and clothes…?"

"Hmph! What's wrong with my beautiful face and fashionable clothes? Hmm, after all… if I recall correctly, yesterday you were ogling me—"

"I-I wasn't!" he sputtered, blushing. "I just thought you were… you were…"

"Hyahahahahahaha! What a fool, what a fool! I know what you were thinking! What a stupid man. Not even all the money in this world would be enough to buy a single night with me, the great Beatrice! Kyahahah!"

Battler sweatdropped. This woman had serious mental issues.

Having calmed down, Beatrice hummed, as if considering something.

"I will admit that your lack of intelligence is almost endearing, Battler… this is why, although it's your fault my client ran away, I won't ask you to get on your knees and apologize for this time. You will simply have to accept my offer and become my slave."

"Heh, sorry but I believe that slavery is considered a crime against humanity nowadays."

"Oh, but you shouldn't take so literally what I say, you silly man: I will give you a place to stay and a paycheck, and you won't have to worry about cooking or doing the laundry. After all, I don't really want to be scolded by Teacher because the police searched our apartment again…" she added, pouting a little.

"_What_."

"It's nothing you should worry about!" she beamed. "So! You will accept, won't you?"

Battler frowned. It was true that she had lost time and money because of him, and normally, he would have done something to compensate for his mistake… but…. this woman was crazy. So crazy that all he wanted was to get away from her as soon as possible. So crazy that he – a breast sommelier – wasn't even remotely interested in the fact that her white shirt was so adherent you could practically see her bra: color, lacy edges and everything.

… … … Okay, so maybe he was interested. But just a bit.

"Come on, come on!" Beatrice urged him. "Why are you hesitatiiiing!? There are far more difficult choices in life than this one, you know! For example! Should Shinji pick Asuka or Rei?"

"Do not forget that there is also Kaworu, milady."

Battler turned around to see a mustached man in formal attire entering the room together with a beautiful woman.

"And Misato," said woman added, a slight scowl spoiling her otherwise kind expression, "The fact that she was a little older than him doesn't mean that she wasn't a worthy candidate. Ohohoh."

Beatrice brought a hand to her chin, looking troubled. "See Battler," she sighed, "this is really difficult. Even more than I thought."

Insane. These people were utterly insane. Battler knew he would pop a vein if he spent just another moment in this room with them.

"Sorry everyone, it was nice meeting you all, but now I gotta go." he said dryly as he turned towards the door.

Beatrice readily grabbed the back of his jacket. "B-But you can't leave like thiiis!"

"I can and I will. I have school and I don't want to be late."

"Milady, perhaps you should let go of Battler-sama."

"R-Ronove—!"

"It's quite moving to see a young man caring so much for his education nowadays, and we have no right to hold him back. Still, Battler-sama, I would be honored if you used some of your precious time to try my cookies: the sugar will help you concentrate on your studies."

Battler glanced at the mustached man and then at large tray he was skillfully balancing on his hand. The elegant tea set and delicious-looking cookies seemed something out of a western movie. The sight and the sweet scent were enough to make his mouth water. His stomach reminded him that he hadn't had breakfast that morning with a loud growl.

Battler blushed, embarrassed by the fact that his weakness was so obvious.

"A-Alright," he conceded, "but just one."

Ronove smiled. "Thank you for fulfilling my selfish request."

A sudden silence engulfed the room as Battler brought a cookie to his mouth. It was as though as everyone was holding their breath in anticipation.

"How is it…?" Beatrice asked tentatively.

"This is…" Battler gulped, eyes glittering. "This is… the most delicious thing I've ever eaten…!!" He was almost crying: how many weeks had passed since he had a decent meal?

Beatrice clapped her hands and her smile got so wide Battler thought her face would split in two.

"This means that you will stay, right? Ronove takes care of every meal: breakfast, lunch and dinner. And snacks too, of course! People would pay gold to taste the delicacies he makes, too bad that he works for me!"

"I…"

"C'mooon Battleeerrr!" Beatrice's grabbed his right arm and pressed herself against him in a way that made his blush darken and his lips curve in a stupid grin. "Teacher!" she turned toward the quiet woman, "Help meee!"

"Battler-kun, please, excuse my student's lack of good manners," – oh, Battler could already tell that they would get along just fine – "but she is telling the truth. If you accept her offer, you won't have to worry about anything than your studies and helping Beato from time to time. Here," she showed him what looked like a contract. "In case you decide to stay with us, you will simply have to sign this document."

Battler's eyes remained fixed on the paper for a whole minute. He wouldn't have been able to read it even if he had wanted to, though: for once in his life, he was too busy thinking to do anything else.

He could refuse and go back to the 1K apartment, where he would live as Amakusa's slave until the day he either died from starvation or killed by one of the other boy's exes. Or he could accept and become the slave of this psychotic blond babe. Sure, there was a possibility that she would kill him too, but at least he'd get to live his last days eating delicious food in a place full of pretty girls.

"Sign, Battler, sign~!" Beato whined.

And since nobody rushed in to save him in this particular Fragment, Battler did.

* * *

**next:** _ONIGOKKO_

"Uuu! Maria's hand! She grabbed Maria's hand because she's lonely and wants to play with us!"

"But... Maria, there's nobody here except us..."


	2. ONIGOKKO

**ONIGOKKO**

"… that woman is a goddamn slave driver! It's been a week since I moved into that apartment, no clients yet, and she still managed to deprive me of every ounce of energy I had…! If I'm there to help her with her _job_, I shouldn't have to read aloud to her because she's too tired to read a book on her own, and I don't think going out at night and nearly freezing to death to get ice-cream is part of my job either!"

George offered an apologetic smile to the several passers-by glaring at his ranting cousin.

"You do seem more lively than before though, Battler-kun," he observed, before the other could start shouting again. "And you don't have to worry about starving to death anymore, right?" he added chuckling.

Battler blinked and brought a hand to his chin, as if considering George's words.

"Uhm… Yeah… that's true, but…"

"I know that it might be bit difficult, but try to understand your employer too. She has to take care of the agency and the house… not to mention that now you are her responsibility too. Just because she's your boss, it doesn't mean that she can do anything she wants or has nothing to worry about."

"You… You don't understand, aniki: she does nothing all day except reading manga and sipping tea, and when she needs something, hah, she just needs to ask me or her butler or—"

"I bet that woman decided to put your muscles to good use 'cause she knows your brain ain't anything special."

Battler turned around to see a blond girl in a sailor uniform glaring at him, fists clenched and resting against her hips.

"J-Jessica! When did you get here?"

"A couple minutes ago, you dumbass, but you were too busy complainin' to notice," she punched him in the head. "You just don't get how luck you are! If could, I'd move out in the blink of an eye!"

"You know," he began, frowning, "it's thanks to this aggressive attitude of yours that at your age you and Beato are still single. It would be impossible to tell that you two are women if it weren't for those massive—"

"_Ahem_."

Luckily for Battler, George decided to intervene before he could finish and Jessica could break his ribs.

"Let's go, Maria-chan is waiting for us, after all."

""Alright…""

It was almost funny, how those two hotheads would listen to their older cousin more than they usually listened to their parents.

"I wonder if aunt Rosa will be home too. We haven't seen her and Maria in almost a month."

"Yeah… it's not like they had time for that, though: moving takes time and it's pretty stressful…"

"Aunt Rosa is probably still at work," George said after checking his wristwatch. "We should get some of

Maria-chan's favorite shortcake before we go. Visiting without bringing a gift would be rude."

* * *

The apartment complex Maria had recently moved into, of course, didn't look anything like the one where Battler had been living up until a week ago _and_ the one where he was currently residing. This was, after all, a luxurious shopping district: a whole different world from Kabuki-cho.

The inside of the building looked like a high class hotel: shiny and polished and so elegant the atmosphere was a bit cold.

They had just gotten out of the elevator when Battler – too busy bickering with Jessica to pay attention to his surroundings – bumped into someone, nearly dropping the precious package containing the sweet treats for their little cousin to the floor: it was only thanks to the stranger's quick reflexes that the tragedy was averted.

"I'm sorry, I should have been more careful."

Battler blinked and glanced at the smiling woman talking to him. She was maybe around the same age as Kyrie, and really beautiful. Her clothes were black and simple, though skirt she was wearing was rather short. Still, she looked very elegant, and there was something almost motherly about her smile.

"A… Ah, no no!" Battler shook his head frantically as he spoke. "It's my fault; I was distracted…!"

The woman giggled. "What a nice boy! I'm glad that our little accident had no consequences, but now I should really go." She bowed, and the silver cross dangling around her neck bounced slightly as did her short, wavy hair.

"… U-Uhm, see you…?"

"Goodbye!"

The cousins stared at the woman's back as she walked away. There was something about her that made them feel slightly uncomfortable.

If that 'something' was related to her diva-like attitude (and appearance) or to something entirely different, they couldn't say.

* * *

It was a stuffed animal that greeted them – a bright yellow thing with black beady eyes and a red scarf wrapped around its thick neck.

"Sakutarou and Maria have been waiting for you!"

"Oh, who's your new friend, Maria-chan?"

"Sakutarou is a lion cub and Maria's best friend!"

Battler and Jessica stared with admiration at George as he patted the stuffed lion's head. It was almost incredible, how he could get along so well with children. Even after so many years, this side of him never failed to amaze them.

"Uuu! What's that, what's that?"

Battler blinked, and saw Maria pointing at the pink box he was holding.

He lifted the box above his head, chuckling, when the little girl tried to grab it.

"A little bird told me that you like sweets~"

"Uuu! Why is Battler so mean! Mean!"

"He isn't mean, Maria. He is stupid."

"Huh…?"

Battler turned around and saw Beatrice standing behind him, the precious pink package now in her hands.

"What are you doing here?"

She blinked and gave him a weird look, as if the answer to his question should have been already obvious to him.

"Maria invited me, of course."

And this is how, that afternoon, Ushiromiya Battler ended up spending his first day of freedom with the very woman who had turned his life into a living hell in a mere week.

Naturally, given the presence of this unexpected guest, splitting the cake into five identical pieces became a problem: it was very small, after all, and had _only four strawberries_ on top.

"Don't worry about her," Battler said, jabbing his forefinger in Beatrice's direction. "She eats more than enough sweets when we're home. For example this morning she—_AGH_!"

"Go on, Ushiromiya Battler; continue if you can…!" Beatrice hissed, as her fingers pinched his cheeks and pulled with all the strength she could muster.

Not even the pain or the scary expression on the woman's face could win against his stubbornness, but Battler soon found out that the sounds leaving his mouth didn't even remotely resemble words. And so he decided to fight fire with fire.

They would have probably kept pulling each other's cheeks all day, or until one of them got too tired to continue, at least, if George hadn't decided to mediate once again, gently reproaching his cousin.

"Let her go, Battler: this isn't how you're supposed to treat a girl, is it?"

It was almost cute, how the redhead did immediately as he was told, as if he had only just remembered that there were three other people in the room watching him.

"Uhm, yeah but…" he muttered, "she's not… hm…"

"Hah, maybe you should learn a thing or two from your cousin, Battler," Beato snickered, returning to her seat next to Maria.

Jessica burst out laughing. "No wonder everyone dumps you after a month!"

"No wonder you two are still single!"

If there was someone Battler should have thanked for saving him from a slow and painful death after that last comment, that person was Maria.

"Uuuu…"

Everyone turned around to look at her. She was now standing close to the coffee table, looking at five slices of shortcake with a frown as she counted on her fingers.

"What is it, Maria-chan?" George asked.

"There are only five slices here… Five, only five."

The other three cousins looked at each other, feeling a bit lost.

"Aren't five enough?" Jessica asked pursing her lips. "One for you, one for George-niisan, one for that idiot Battler, one for—"

"Uuuu!" Maria looked almost angry, "Maria knows, Maria knows! That's not everyone though! Not everyone! Uuu! Uuu!"

Again, the cousins exchanged a confused look.

"Hey," Battler began with an unsure smile, "calm down a little, there's enough cake for everyone…"

"No! No no no no!" she retorted, "Not enough, not enough! Uuu!"

As young as she was, Maria was also really stubborn, and hated not being taken seriously.

It was then that Beato surprised everyone: she crouched in front of the child and talked to her in a perfectly serious tone – no condescending smile or anything else that would have suggested she was merely playing along.

"We could always share our portions with Sakutarou… Even though they're already painfully small," she added with a sigh.

Even more surprising was Maria's reaction. She stopped stomping her feet and screaming immediately.

"They're really, really small though…" she agreed.

"Mu, that can't be helped. What did you expect from these peasants, after all? I will ask Ronove to make a huge strawberry cake next time, and we will have a proper tea party together."

" "Who did you just call peasants exactly…?" "

Battler and Jessica were promptly ignored.

"Maria will wait then!" she replied, now smiling.

So she was worried that her stuffed animal wouldn't get to eat any cake, the cousins concluded. They should have considered this possibility… after all, it wasn't unusual for a kid to treat a toy like another living being, an actual friend.

"Uuu…" surprisingly, after a short pause, Maria resumed a doubtful tone, "but what about the lady in the other room…?"

The others, except Beatrice, let out a surprised gasp.

"Hmm, I doubt she would want some—"

"What the…? Who else is here!" Jessica jumped to her feet almost shouting. It wasn't that the presence of another unexpected person bothered her per se, but the fact that those two had been hiding it all along unnerved her for reason that she couldn't fully grasp.

Beato, who was also annoyed for being interrupted like that, rose slowly to her feet while glaring at the other girl.

"Are you deaf? Didn't you hear what Maria said?" she asked with a smirk.

"You—"

"Jessica."

Turning her head, Jessica saw George shaking his head as if to say 'it's not worth it'. It was obvious that in spite of his composed demeanor Beatrice's attitude was starting to irritate him too. Before he or Jessica could say anything else, though, Battler spoke up.

"Get off your high horse and tell us what's going on, Beato. Why isn't this person here?" like Jessica, he did nothing to hide his anger. And it only made her smile widen.

"Why do you care? What would it change for _you_? She was right next to me when you first entered this apartment, yet I don't recall any of you noticing her."

"Kihihihi, people like them can't see her, can they, Beato?" Maria – rhetorically – asked. The expression on her face was completely different from the one Battler and the others knew.

Beatrice merely shrugged.

"It's not their fault they were born like this, but this doesn't change the fact that they're going to be a nuisance toda—" once again, she was cut off. This time by Battler's fist landing on her head. "Ow! What do you think you're doing?"

"I don't care what kind of bullshit you like spouting, but don't involve Maria in this!"

Beatrice stared at him for several seconds, eyes wide, until her surprised expression quickly turned into a derisive one and she laughed ungracefully.

"You still don't get it, do you? Huyahahahah… Maria called me here to help with our mystery woman. This is not a joke, Battleeeer… it's my, no, our job." She chuckled again when he opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. "That's right, that's right. Had you already forgotten? You work for me. I don't care how useless you were born, it's your duty to try your hardest and be as useful as possible to me."

"Hah, this is ridiculous. Do you expect me to believe in this occult stuff? Didn't you say that your job was—"

"I did say that I am a detective of sorts, yes, and _these_ are the cases I deal with. After all, this city is already full of regular private eyes and there's the police too… besides, why would I want to solve people's problems? That would be definitely too boring. Now… Maria,"

"Uuu!"

"You told me that she only showed herself when someone enters the house or…" Maria began hopping and grabbed the other's hand, not stopping until Beatrice lowered herself again and the little girl could whisper something into her ear.

"Hm-hm, I see, I see," Beato nodded and stood up. "Well then, let's play a game aaall together!"

* * *

Battler moved slowly. The others were being really careful. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't even hear their footsteps: only their voices reached him, when from time to time they called 'Oni-san, over here, Oni-san!'… How many years had passed since the last time he had played this game? He could remember having lots of fun, even the times he had to be the oni and chase after his playmates blindfolded.

Maybe, though, the fact that he wasn't able to enjoy himself this time wasn't so weird, considering what had happened earlier. Moreover, Beato had practically ordered him to be the oni – "It's your first task as my helper," she had said while fastening the black cloth around his head.

This whole situation was ridiculous. If they were playing along it was just for Maria's sake… what was he supposed to do once this farce ended? Accept his role and indulge Beato whenever she started talking about ghosts and do just what she told him to? Or should he just leave and…

"Uuu! Here, here!"

Maria's sudden cry worried him and Battler literally ripped off the blindfold, running to where the voice seemed to be coming from. There, he found George and Jessica gazing nervously at Maria, who was staring into the adjacent room, her fingers wrapped around Beatrice's.

"What's going on here?" he asked, voice a bit breathless.

"Uuu! Maria's hand! She grabbed Maria's hand because she's lonely and wants to play with us!"

"But... Maria, there's nobody here except us..." Jessica observed and peeked into the dim room as if to show the little girl that it was actually empty.

But her words didn't reach her at all: ignoring everyone else, Maria walked quickly into the room, still holding Beatrice's hand as if to guide her – but it was obvious that Beatrice already knew where to go, that she could see whatever Maria was seeing.

Battler shivered. It was as though as the temperature in the apartment had suddenly dropped.

"Has she always been here?" she asked once the two of them had stopped in front of a certain corner of the room.

Maria nodded. "Uuu, Maria first saw her when Maria and Mama moved here! But she has never talked to Maria uuu…"

"Hmph, she won't even look at me," Beatrice sounded vaguely offended. "I doubt she will want to _talk_ to me. At this rate, sending her away…" she shook her head, "I'm sorry, but you should remember that I'm no exorcist, Maria."

"Uuu… it's okay if the lady stays here. Maria just wanted to help. The lady looks sad! Sad! Maria thought she would at least talk to Beato, since Beato is so amazing… uuu…"

"W-Well, uhm. When you put it like that… Hmm," the woman closed her eyes and brought a hand to her chin, seemingly deep in thought. "Maybe there is something…" she murmured and turned around, now facing the other three cousins.

"Battler, let's go home."

* * *

**next: **_ONIGOKKO II_

"Whawha—What's with this outfit anyway?"

"It's cosplay, you idiot! Cosplay! Don't tell me you have never watched Lucky Star!"


End file.
